Cloudy Day

On days like these. I noticed myself listening to artist such as, Sia and RadioHead on a more frequent basis. Specifically albums like, In Rainbows and Colour The Small One, play on repeat. Both albums, though vastly different from one another, have some similarities. Both are impeccably written, and have interesting, inter-woven orchestral movements, which both are co-orchestrated by the artists themselves. Personally, I have deep, emotional feelings for both of these albums, because the lyrics played an interesting role in my life a few years ago. 

When I first came out of the closet, I was a lost soul. Struggling with seeking truth, and understanding of a culture I really don't know anything about, but it felt right. 

Identity was something that I didn't grasp. Actually, in all honesty, I didn't have much guidance as child. Like I have mentioned before, my mother often says, "I was robbed of my childhood". My father was an emotionally distanced individual. I didn't have that ideal father, son relationship with him-it just wasn't there. And, after my parents divorce, my mother struggled to find solid ground, because it had been ripped from underneath her. So, in many ways, she, herself was emotionally distanced at times. Not because she didn't love her children, but she had lost a part of her, (in some ways, she still has) which led to my sister and I to fight for ourselves. To grow and mature with the "deck of cards" that we had been dealt. And in some ways, we're still dealing with them, trying to pick up the cards that were dropped, left behind. Funny how families work, right? *chuckles*

 

My sister and I have different prospectives and approaches to life-the life that we've been handed, and are dealing with. I often refer to my sister as a kindred spirit. We're so vastly different, but have a deep understanding of one another. In many ways, we owe this understanding of one anther, to the history that we both share. Although from different prospectives, we've weathered through some of the same "storms". These storms were and still are essential for my growth, specifically, to who I am. 

 

So, I have to ask the question at hand. Who am I? Sounds like an awkward question to ask. But, who am I!? *pondering* Um. Well, to start. I am a gay, white male. My identity with being gay has been something less than to be desired. For years, I have exhausted myself into fitting a certain crowd. To identify myself with a certain type of people that would make me feel... Well, me! Through some very solid friendships, and therapy. I have exhausted myself from exhaustion! No more wasted time on conforming to a society that I don't feel comfortable with. As Bethany Frankle would say, "Come from a place of YES". The person that I know how to become, is to only become myself! That means to be honest, genuine, and forthright with others-to truly, and unconditionally love others! To observe how others interact with their counterparts: what's authentic and what's inauthentic, why?